Happy Birthday To Me!
Hello, friends! We're celebrating my birthday today. I'm a year old! Mommy says I'm lucky to have made it...hehehe.
No, not really.....she's crazy about me . I got treated to a special meal of a little fresh salmon mixed in with
my Meow Mix....what a treat! Mommy says it's okay once in awhile for special occasions. I got some new toys too....boy,
I'm gonna need a toy box soon! And of course, we took birthday pictures.
All grown up
I've received lots of nice emails, and I appreciate them all....especially the jokes! I thought I would share a couple
with you:
DIARY OF A CAT
DAY 752: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only
thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get
from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow, I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761: Today, my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they
were walking almost succeeded...must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt
to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on
their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 762: Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep-depriving, incessant
pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765: Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in attempt to make them
aware of what I am capable of and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed
and condescended about what a 'good little cat' I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.
DAY 768: I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason, I was chosen for
the water torture. This time, however, it included a burning, foamy chemical called "shampoo."
What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still
stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771: There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary
throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass
tubes they call "beer." More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power
of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774: I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches. The dog is
routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird,
on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue
(something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every
move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
PET POETRY
| DOG HAIKUS |
CAT HAIKUS |
I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself
With this long-rotten squirrel.
I lie belly-up
In the sunshine,
Happier than you ever will be
Today I sniffed
Many dog behinds---
I celebrate by kissing your face.
I sound the alarm!
Paper boy--come to kill us all---
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I sound the alarm!
Garbage man--come to kill us all---
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I lift my leg
And whiz on each bush.
Hello, Spot---Sniff this and weep.
How do I love thee?
The ways are numberless
As my hairs on the bed.
My human is home!
I am so ecstatic
I have made a puddle.
I Hate my choke chain---
Look, world, they strangle me!
Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!
Sleeping here, my chin on your foot---
No greater bliss
Well, maybe catching rats...
Look in my eyes and deny it.
No human could love you
As much I do
The cat is not all bad---
She fills the litter box
With Tootsie Rolls
Dig under fence--why?
Because it's there. Because it's there.
Because it's there.
I am your best friend,
Now, always,
And especially when you are eating.
My owners' mood is romantic---
I lie near their feet.
I fart a big one.
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You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will show you.
I need a new toy.
Tail of black dog keeps good time.
Pounce! good dog! good dog!
The rule for today:
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
In deep sleep hear sound...
Cat throwup hairball somewhere...
Will find in morning.
Grace personified,
I leap into the window...
I meant to do that.
Blur of motion, then---
Silence, me, a paper bag.
What is so funny?
You're always typing.
Well, let's see you ignore
My sitting on your hands.
My small cardboard box.
You cannot see me
If I can hide my head.
Terrible battle.
I fought for hours. Come and see!
What's a 'term paper?'
Small brave carnivores
Kill pinecones and mosquitoes
Fear vacuum cleaner
Want to trim my claws?
Don't even think about it!
My cries will wake dead.
I want to be close to you.
Can I fit my head
Inside your armpit?
Wanna go outside.
Oh, no! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
Oh no! Big One
Has been trapped by newspaper!
Cat to the rescue!
Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in bed, then screams!
My claws aren't that sharp...
Litter box not here...
You must have moved it again.
I'll crap in the sink.
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Well, It's been quite a day. I'm way overdue for a nap. So nighty-night, and I hope you all have a great 4th of
July! I can almost smell the barbecue.....
Going.....
Going.....
Gone.....
Dreaming of barbecue.....zzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Graphics and Composition by
July 1, 2000
Updated 03/12/02
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